Opening the Doors of Communication

Talking about sensitive issues can be quite intimidating for both adults and children. Sometimes our first reaction to a certain question or comment is negative. In effect, we slam the door in the face of the person who asked it. This response can happen for a variety of reasons-  We could be insecure about discussing the topics.  We may not have the correct information to answer the question.  We may not be ready to discuss tough issues with our children.  Whatever the reason, it’s important to make sure that your child feels like the door is always open to talk to you.

A national study by Child Trends tracked 8,000 teens aged 12 - 16. The study, which was a series of annual interviews started in 1997 and continued through 2001. The findings of this study reinforced earlier research that parents have a significant impact on their children’s decisions about sex. The power of communication can do wonders in the minds of teenagers deciding to have sex. It is every parent’s responsibility to express to their children their values, morals and opinions on human sexuality issues. Children want to hear what their parents have to say; and when there is open communication between parent and child, the child will more likely respect their parents and value their morals and beliefs.

If you don’t have open communication with your children on sexuality issues, then they won’t be able to express their sexual concerns. It’s better for them to hear information from adults than to receive misinformed messages about sex from their friends. So start talking to your kids now and always know where they’re going and what they’re doing.

Below are some examples of Door Slammers, followed by better responses that will help to open the doors of good communication. In addition, these good communication skills will help you have more successful everyday conversations with your child - no matter what you are discussing. Give them a try! You will definitely see some positive results.

Door Slammers

  • “If you say that again, I’ll…”
  • “That’s none of your business.”
  • “I don’t care what your friends are doing!”
  • “We’ll talk about that when you need to know.”
  • “That’s just for boys (girls)”
  • “Why are you asking me that?”
  • “You’re too young to understand.”


Door Openers

  • “What do you think?”
  • “Do you know what that means?”
  • “This is why I feel that way…”
  • “That’s a good question.”
  • “I don’t know, but I’ll find out.”

Other Communication Tips

Use these tried and true tips from parents:

Practice works!  “I read it is best to use correct names for body parts, so I practiced in the mirror.  Also, I got a good book from the library and flipped through the chapters with my 11-year-old.  At first she was nervous too, but we got over it quickly.  Going through the book really helped.  Now we both use books and magazine articles to start off our talks about sex and values.”

Listen.  Really Listen.  “My folks never talked to me and I got a lot of wrong information about sex from my friends.  I want to guide my kids- teach them the facts and let them know my values about sex and other topics.  I also want to know what is on their mind. The best way to get my message across is to listen to what my kids have to say too.

 

Stay on Track.  “I find that keeping it simple works for me.  I used to go on and on until my kid’s eyes glazed over.  Here I was going into great detail and all my kid wanted was a to-the-point answer.  It helps to give them the facts first, then add my values and expectations.”

Use Teachable Moments.  “Find time to start talks.  Use a TV show, news program, magazine or even a billboard to start talking about sex.  Say something like “Do you think that guy in the show should have sex with his girlfriend so she’ll stay with him?” Or, “That model is wearing a really skimpy outfit.  Why do you think people dress that way?”  I find that these short talks work well!”